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You have heard it said by many people. 
You may have said it yourself. 
Communication is the MOST important factor in developing and maintaining a good relationship. 
However, being clear about what you say and making yourself understood is only half of it.   The other
half and perhaps most important is hearing, actually hearing, what is being said to you.  Effective listening is the
most important skill you will ever develop.  
It is important for all aspects of your life.

The effective listening technique is called
Reflective Listening.  
It will help you know that what you are hearing is in fact, what was said and meant.  You see how that would
help in a personal relationship and in a business relationship, in any relationship?   An added bonus
to this is that they know you understand.  You see how powerful this is?

Reflective Listening is the practice of, in your own words, restating the information you just received.  
I say received because it is not just the words you heard it is also the emotions and feelings being expressed.   
When you do this it forces you to listen more closely. 
It helps you to be sure you understand and it tells the other person that you were listening.  And, very
importantly, it tells them that you really want to understand them and value what they are saying.

You see how useful this skill is?  To use it properly you need to be able to focus on the other person and not be
bogged down with your own problems. This is not a skill to be used to manipulate others.  It is a skill to be used to find compromise solutions.  

Reflective Listening is a skill that can be used in any conversation not just in crucial, critical ones.   

I can hear you saying, “So, how do I do this?”

There are 4 pieces to Reflective Listening. 

The First is attentive listening. 
This is the body language of listening. 
It includes: maintaining good eye contact, nodding when appropriate, not interrupting, and leaning slightly forward while they are speaking. And, of course listening intently and observing their non verbal signals. 

The Second is reflecting content. 
This means to rephrase, in your own words, the main points of the conversation and restate it back to the speaker. 
The purpose is to reflect back to the speaker the main idea in the conversation. For example, if your spouse is talking about your child’s grades being low, you could say something like “I hear you saying you want to talk about
Billy’s grades”.

The Third is reflecting feelings.
This is more difficult.  Here you are not only listening to the content but also paying attention to the body language
and verbal tonal qualities to determine the emotions and feelings behind the statement.  With the same scene
above, you might say something like “I hear you say that you are worried about Billy’s grades”.  You are reflecting
both the message and the feelings.

The Fourth is reflecting underlying value.  
Here you are going beyond merely reflecting the words and feelings to understanding the deeper values and beliefs of the speaker.   If your spouse places great value on education, in the above situation you might say “I hear you say that you are worried about Billy’s grades because
you are afraid he will not be able to get into a good college. 
I know how important a good education is to you.” 
Here you have reflected the basic meaning, the emotions and the underlying value that your spouse was trying to express. 

Reflective Listening takes some practice to get it right. 
So start practicing it today.

In your very next conversation begin to apply it by listening attentively. You may see that the speaker reacts more favorable to you with just that.  Then begin to reflect the content and see the reaction.   As you get better at recognizing the body language and tonal meanings,
begin to add some feelings to your reflections. 
In no time at all your communication skills will improve greatly.  And strong communications skills are a huge benefit in personal relationships as well as business.

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You and your partner have issues. You talk about them and you talk about them and yet nothing seems to get fixed. You read all the books trying to understand each others perspective and yet nothing gets fixed. You are about to pull your hair out from frustration or throw a dish or punch the wall. And yet nothing is getting fixed.

Communication skills are not the problem. You clearly understand one another. It is that you are not sending the right messages. You are not talking about the right things. If you think about it, rehashing over and over again those things that are driving you apart can not bring you back together. You cannot make your relationship better by talking about what makes it bad.

The secret is to strengthen the relationship. With a stronger relationship, many of the issues will fade. And the more difficult ones are easier to work on. There are several things you can do to begin to rebuild the relationship, to find that love you once had.

Here are just a few ideas you can use to rekindle the love in your relationship.

First, make an effort to STOP fighting.

Second, take a few minutes every day to talk. Don’t talk about your issues, kids, responsibilities. Talk about any and everything else.

Third, make an effort to remind each other of the GOOD. Remind each other of the fun times you have had. Remind each other of the good things in your lives.

Fourth, show your love. You might be surprised just how much a kind word and a gentle touch can mean.

Fifth, smile when you see your partner.

One HUGE step and four small ones and you can begin to get that loving relationship back.

Tom Blair

Relationship Coach

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Is Your Relationship In Need of Repair?

Here are some relationship warning signs,

If you can say “That’s us!” to any of them, your relationship may need Repair.

The good news is that there is still time, you can save your relationship.

·      Lack of Communication

·      Feeling isolated or trapped

·    Anger

·    Separate lives; different interests,   different social calendars

·     Unsatisfying sex life

·     Relationship is mundane and difficult

Do any of those ring true in your relationship?

Don’t Panic, your relationship can be saved.

Call Crossroads to Change today and let’s get busy saving your relationship.

321-308-1465